Publisher: Thomas Nelson (December 7, 2021)
Hardcover: 224 pages
From popular Christian voices Lisa Jacobson and Phylicia Masonheimer, The Flirtation Experiment inspires you to strengthen your marriage with a fun, unexpected approach that leads to the depth, richness, and closeness you desire.
Romance novels, Hallmark movies . . . the immense demand for romantic stories reveals a deep, unsatisfied longing that can be found in many marriages, but does it have to be that way? Is it possible that the best marriage has to offer can grow, rather than fade after you say “I do”? Lisa and Phylicia say, “Absolutely yes!”
So what is the secret to a happy, thriving, loving marriage, where the fire of romance and close friendship do not fade? While The Flirtation Experiment includes the frisky side of marriage, it’s far more than a good romp. By degrees, each chapter takes you to a deeper place, covering themes every beautiful marriage has in common, such as covenant, healing, and hope.
Phylicia Lens
My own avoidance held me back for most of our young
marriage. I couldn’t get past my innate fear of being rejected, unwanted,
or—pridefully! — looking silly. But as I looked at the legacy built by years of
avoiding affection, I saw nothing but loneliness and heartbreak. The risk of
showing love was worth healing in my marriage.
C. S. Lewis famously said about vulnerability: “Lock it up
safe in the casket. . . . [and] it will become unbreakable, impenetrable,
irredeemable.”2 I saw those words come true in my very own heart. How hard,
distant, and unbreakable I became! I was safe, but I was not happy. And Josh?
He was as lonely as I was.
In a Christian marriage, our model for love is Christ
Himself. Christ took on the most vulnerable, risky position in the world. He
opened His heart to be broken by imperfect people and died to reconcile them to
God. We are gathered into the arms of our Father, able to call Him the intimate
name Abba (Rom. 8:15) because Jesus risked affection.
The Affection Experiment
Those first couple times expressing affectionate touch felt
completely antithetical to my personality. This made me nervous because I
didn’t want to feel like I was faking something. I wanted my actions to be
genuine. But in the back of my mind was an adage from author Gretchen Rubin:
“Act the way you want to feel.”
In healthy situations, taking action can actually make our
feelings catch up. For me, this was the case. As I reached out to Josh to show
him love through physical touch, I felt more confident and at ease. I also felt
closer to him. As for Josh, he was as surprised as I expected him to be. He
knew how I struggled with showing my love physically, particularly as the one
initiating. My reaching for him, tentative as it was, was received warmly. He
pulled me closer when I reached out. He responded to my little touches with
touches of his own. The first few times (and many times after), I was nervous.
I knew he would be surprised at the change and questioned whether his reaction
would feel like rejection to my fragile heart. But as I reminded myself of
God’s heart for my marriage—unity, passion, and love—I took the tiny step to
embrace that truth. The crazy part? God’s truth became my truth. I felt closer
to Josh because of seemingly insignificant touches. Our physical closeness
reassured my heart; he wasn’t disinterested in me. He wasn’t rejecting me. I
felt more known, more loved, and safer. And by the way he looked at me—and how
he eagerly came to me each morning—I know he felt the same!
Perhaps what holds you back from affection isn’t fear but
busyness. How can you make time to show affection to your husband? What
specific action would express affectionate love most? The seven-second kiss?
Nonsexual touching? Holding his hand? If you think fear is playing a role in
your ability to show love physically, spend some time in the Word studying what
God says about fear. How does He deal with it? What does He promise to those
who follow Him?
Then decide on a simple act of affection to do today (and
tomorrow) that will express your love in physical ways.
Lisa Lens
I heard him walk through the front door, but I never even
looked up. By the time my husband, Matt, came home that evening, I was so frustrated,
so frazzled, that his coming home hardly mattered. I kept sautéing the onions
and peppers without so much as a glance in his direction. I just ignored him
and tried my best to tune out the squabbling of our four young kids hungrily
sitting around the kitchen table. I kept my eyes down, stirring those
vegetables as if my life depended on it. And that’s when I felt him come up
behind me and slip his strong arms around my waist. I knew I should have felt
cared for, but mostly what I felt was annoyed. Couldn’t he see I was trying to
make dinner? Couldn’t he do something about the kids who were now throwing
their napkins at each other across the table? Couldn’t he do something?
I shrugged him off. Without saying a single word, I let him
know that I wanted him to leave me alone. He got the message all right, and I
saw his shoulders slightly drop as he stepped back. He stood silently behind
me, watching as I sautéed away. But then, out of nowhere, I had the wildest
idea come into my head. What if . . . what if instead of brushing him off, I
twirled around and leaned back into him? I suddenly had to know.
What if?
And then, right in that crazy kitchen moment, I turned off
the stove, whipped around, and pressed my body deeply into his. And stayed
there for a minute or more. I don’t know who was more surprised, him or me. He
stared into my eyes, wondering what in the world had gotten into me. How could I
explain it? That I was merely curious as to what might happen? That this was an
impromptu experiment by an otherwise weary and worn-down mom of four? How could
I have known that one small move like this could start a much-needed, much-desired
fire?
Passion Experiment
In all honesty, the last thing on my mind that evening as I
stood over the skillet was passion. He wasn’t expecting it, and I wasn’t
looking for it. We were in that survival stage of parenting when you find
yourself in a bit of a blur as you go from one task to the next, trying to keep
ahead of the cascading monotony of daily chores, milk spills, and utility
bills.
Deep down he probably wished we had more sex, and I
wistfully wanted more romance. But neither of us thought to ask the other as we
were both doing what we could to keep up with the basic demands of the day until
there was little left for the night. So we quietly kept our disappointments to
ourselves and hoped something would change when our season changed. Maybe
that’s where you find yourself—waiting for a new season.
Hoping things will get better or hotter when there’s more
money, less stress, or better health, or when the kids are older. But here’s
what I’d say: Don’t wait. Don’t put passion on the back burner with some vague idea
that it will reignite itself when your circumstances are different. When I say
“passion,” I don’t use it as some sort of euphemistic reference to sex
(although sex typically plays a part in there somewhere).
What I mean is that strong feeling of physical desire and
closeness for each other— an intense longing. Now, you may be asking yourself
what place passion has in a Christian marriage. Isn’t that a rather worldly,
self-focused pursuit? A way of thinking better suited for chick flicks and
romance novels? Something you leave behind not long after the honeymoon?
God didn’t leave passion to the world, and neither should
we. The desire we have for our husbands is a beautiful part of how God designed
us as women. To desire your man is to live in harmony with who you were created
to be. Just think: God could have kept our marriage mechanical, but, instead,
he gave us that extra spark. So, as believers, let’s not be shy about seeking
for passionate Song of Solomon moments in our marriages. And we don’t have to
wait for our husbands to make the first move.
Lean into your man. Let the sparks fly!
Taken from “The Flirtation Experiment” by Lisa Jacobson and
Phylicia Masonheimer. Copyright 2021 by Lisa Jacobson and Phylicia Masonheimer.
Used with permission from Thomas Nelson.
Lisa Jacobson is an author, a podcaster, and the founder of Club31Women.com, an online community of Christian women authors who write on marriage, home, family, and faith–a powerful voice for biblical womanhood. She is the author of the bestselling 100 Ways to Love Your Husband. Lisa and her husband, Matt, are also cohosts of the popular FAITHFUL LIFE podcast. They live in the beautiful Pacific Northwest where they have enjoyed raising their eight children
Phylicia Masonheimer is a national bestselling author, speaker, and host of the Verity Podcast. Her blog – Every Woman a Theologian- teaches Christians how to know what they believe and live it boldly. Theology touches every area of life, so Phylicia addresses cultural questions through the lens of church history and sound biblical interpretation. She lives in northern Michigan with her husband and three children.
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